Negative

So the other pink line never showed up and my "monthly friend" did. Am I bumbed? A little. But mostly confused. I really did think and feel like I was pregnant. Danny believes I was making it all up in my head, but I really don't think I was. I wanted a baby, I wanted to adopt, I didn't want to be pregnant! So how could I be making feelings up? I was supposed to "start" a week ago, but I didn't and then I started getting cramps. I figured I would start any day, but I never did. Let me first say that I only cramp on the first day of my period. So cramping for a whole week was very strange for me, so that brought up a big red flag. I also was getting very tired and my boobs hurt more than usual and started hurting way before I actually started my period, which never happens. So having ALL these symptoms and not having a period really meant PREGNANT in my eyes! But when I took a couple of tests they all came out negative and finally after more than a week late I STARTED!

In all honesty I was sad that I wasn't pregnant because after thinking and feeling like I was pregnant and finally coming to terms and being excited about being pregnant, to find out that I wasn't or that maybe I was making up, or creating these feelings up, it was a bit disapointing. It's funny because I thought I had gotten over that urge to be pregnant again. I had a wonderful but very complicated pregnancy with Zac, so I thought I had put getting pregnant out of my head. But after realizing that being pregnant was a real possibility, it seemed like all the fear went away and all the excitement came rushing in. I was excited that I was pregnant, I was excited to have a belly, I was just so excited! So when "Aunt Flow" rained on my parade, it really sucked!!!!! And brought out alot of questions! Do I really want to be pregnant? Do I really want to be pregnant now? Should we try to get pregnant? Should I put pregnancy out of my mind and stay focused on the adoption?

I think the one thing that I realized was that I do want to be pregnant one more time. I LOVED being pregnant with Zac! I loved everything about being pregnant! But because I had complications, placenta previa, I get really scared. But after this week of thinking that I was pregnant I realized that I wasn't scared, actually I didn't really think about it too much. Just because something happens once, doesn't mean it will happen again, right?

My main question is still whether or not we should try to get pregnant first and then adopt or adopt first and then try to get pregnant? I know there isn't a right or wrong answer. But I can't help but feel like it would be better to have our bio kids first and then adopt. I know I tend to read WAY TOO MUCH into things, but I just want everything to be perfect, which I know doesn't exist.

I've been called Out!

Okay Okay, I know I've been a very bad blogger by not posting in over a month and Kristin, over at Patience is a Virtue, finally called me out! So I'm sorry and I'll never let a month go by ever again.

Things around here have been very busy with the new business. I'm so glad that the doctor transition went smoothly and that everyone has come to love Danny as their new doc. And the clinic is really doing well and keeping us busy on the the weekends with screens and expos. I get to do my work from home, which is great because I don't have to put Zac in daycare because I'm able to stay home with him. Although, he would probably love going to daycare. I'm sure he'd much rather play with kids than his mommy, but this mommy is not ready to let him go!

We sent in our adoption application last month and now we have our homestudy scheduled for later this month. This is a very big deal for us because we have waited sooo long to get to his point because we kept having to put it off till later. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Our case worker sent me all the information we need to get for the homestudy and the dossier and I FREAKED! OMG, it's alot of paperwork!

Now I'm really nervous because I think I may be preggers!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT(you may be saying) That's exactly what I first thought. "What, why now?" This was certainly not planned, if we indeed are pregnant, but then again neither was Zac and that turned out amazing. At first I was upset, because I didn't want to be pregnant, and if I was that would mean we would have to put off the adoption again. There's no way we can afford both, although I would do it in a heart beat if we could. Now I'm kinda getting excited if I am pregnant. I've put all my trust and faith in God, and if I'm meant to be pregnant then I'm fine with being pregnant. I do get sad thinking that I won't get Maia soon, but I know that God has a plan for us and maybe Maia isn't ready yet. I don't know I'm just, "Letting Go, Letting God" as Danny likes to say. I took a test last week knowing it would be too early, and it was negative, but I expected that. It was too early. I'm supposed to "start" any day now and I haven't but I'm going to wait it out a couple more days. I'll keep you posted!

Our Site is Up!!!

Yeah, Our website is finally up. Check it out!
www.familyhealthchiropractic.com

The Belated B-Day Party!!!

So Zac finally had his party, almost 2 weeks later, and it went great. He had a great time especially playing with all his cousins, but I'm really glad it's OVER! I love planning parties but WOW are they stressful. And to top it off Zac acted up a bit during the party in front of everyone, and I really didn't know what to do. I've never had this problem before, but I think he's at the age where he finally has his own opinion and now he can finally voice it. We've been out in stores before and he will just point things out or say something about someone he sees and because my son is so loud everyone hears. It's really quite embarassing, and I find myself not knowing what to say to him or to the person who he has just offended. I guess the saying is true, "Kids say the darnest things!" Oy Ve!!! So anyway, during the party it was time to open gifts, and by this time he had been playing for hours, he was hot and sweaty, tired, and just plain over stimulated (I guess this is my way of trying to justify it). So we started opening gifts and the very first toy was something he didn't "ask" for and he flipped out and ran off! OMG I didn't know what to do and I wanted to cry! Not only was I embarassed but I felt like the worst parent EVER! So me and Danny pulled him inside and gave him a GOOD talking to, telling him he wouldn't get any of the presents if he kept acting that way and that he needed to go out and say sorry. So he did, but he acted up again when he got several SpiderMan toys. He's never seen SpiderMan so of course he doesn't want the toys! I felt so bad and embarassed that I quickly apologized to whomever got him the gift, telling them that he's just cranky and that he'll love it later. OMG I really wanted to cry!! But everyone was really understanding and they know that he doesn't act this way normally, so in the end no one really cared, Except For ME!!! And of course yesterday we spent the whole day playing with ALL of his toys and he loved them ALL, go figure!

ps. Notice the last pic. That's me pointing at him to say, "You better say Thank you, right now!" Unfortunately, there's lots of those pics of me pointing! lol

Let's Hear It For My Boys!!!

Well two great things happened this week. First, my little Zac turned 4!!!! Happy Birthday papa! He hasn't had his party yet, but that will happen next weekend when we go visit our family. But we did celebrate by going to Gatti Town (a pizza/video game joint), then out for icecream and to the local park. We had a great time, but when we were going home I asked him if he had fun, and he said, "Well what about my big party?". That's my son for ya! He'll have his party next week, but he's not liking the waiting very much(I think he gets this from his momma!).

Second, my Danny is finally a business owner!!! Yes, we finally signed and closed on our clinic and it is finally OURS!!!! Family Health Chiropractic, located in West Lake, is our office, so if any of you living in Austin need a Chiropractor (actually everyone needs a chiropractor) then come on over. I'm so proud of Danny and so happy that one of his dreams has finally come true. It's been a long road to this point and even with all the bumps along the way, he's managed to stay focused and strong for this family. He's an amazing husband, father and doctor and I look forward to starting this new journey with him.

Also, now that we have the business, that makes us one step closer to Maia. It looks like we are on track for starting our homestudy come early June! Yeah!

Why does Patience have to be SO HARD!!!

I haven't written in a while because I don't have adoption "news" like most other PAP's. Actually, I don't even know when we can start our "process" and this is very frustrating and depressing. What's making it worse is that I keep seeing more and more people inquiring about Vietnam adoptions, and although I should be happy that there is so much interest, I can't help but feel selfish. With the wait times increasing so much I feel like by the time we finally start I will be put on this huge waiting list, and we will have to wait over a year like some people. I can't imagine this. We've been wanting to adopt a baby for so long but it seems like LIFE keeps getting in the way. This week I actually started thinking about "having" a baby, thinking that might be a better "easier" way of getting a baby quickly. We aren't opposed to having another bio child, but I did have a complicated pregnancy due to having complete placenta previa, which resulted in a month of complete bed rest, severe bleeding, 3 weeks in the hospital on bed rest, more severe bleeding, emergency c-section at 34 weeks( 1 1/2 months early), and finally a premature beautiful baby boy who stayed in the NICU for 3 weeks! Oh, I forgot to mention the horrible gas pains due to the c-section and recovery! So needless to say, I'm really scared about going through this again, oh and then there's STRETCH MARKS!(Vain, I know) But, I did love being pregnant and would love having that experience again, but I just don't think that that's how our next child is going to come about. I've been praying a lot about this, asking for guidance, and today I think it finally hit me. My Maia is in Vietnam! Every time I think about our next child I have this vision of this tiny asian little girl, with a short bob haircut and big brown deep eyes. And every time I think of her my heart flutters and aches all at the same time. When I was pregnant with our son, and before I knew it was going to be a son, I kept having these dreams and visions of this little boy sleeping, and every time I would picture this little boy my heart would flutter and ache all at the same time, and that's when I realized that that was my son. And when I had my first ultrasound comfirming we were having a boy, it just confirmed to me what I had already knew because I had already had visions of him. And I finally realized that this is happening again. The reason I keep seeing this specific little girl is because THIS IS my little girl, and everyday I grow more and more attached to her and I can't let that go. Last night Danny said something that really put things into prespective for me. I was telling him that I was becoming worried because the wait times keep getting longer and longer, and he said, "No matter how long or short it takes, that's what's in God's plan for us. How can we be worried or upset about that, if that was his plan?" Now let me just say that I hate when he puts me in my place, but that is also why I love him so much! And he's right, and God is definately right so how can I be upset with that. Right this second is not the right time for us. But I do have this strong feeling and voice telling me to hold on for just a bit longer and that it's just around the corner. So here I wait, holding on PATIENTLY, trusting that God's plan is an even greater plan than I could ever imagine!

Easter Time!

Well we are back from our Easter holiday, and we had a great time. Zac was especially excited about "Easter Time" (as he likes to call it) because he knew he would be getting Easter basket'S, as in plural! I figured he would get around 3 but the kid cashed in with 5 Easter baskets! Talk about lots of toys and CANDY, which we don't let him eat often, so he was in candy heaven! (Shhh don't tell him but we threw most of the candy away!hehehe) He is so spoiled, and in two weeks it's his birthday and he will get even more toys and candy, and he can't wait! This is why we really don't buy him alot of toys during the year. He gets soooo much stuff for Christmas, then sooo much stuff for his birthday that it really lasts him all year long!

This past weekend was also really great because we got to tell our extended family about our adoption. Our parents knew but the rest of our family didn't so it was fun to tell them. Everyone seemed pretty excited for us and they asked lots of questions, which I wasn't expecting. I guess it's because I really wasn't expecting to tell anyone, but my mom told everyone the news and then we were bombarded with questions, which caught me off guard. But in the end everyone was really supportive and excited.

Some other real exciting news is that we may be closing on our business soon. We got a call today saying that it could possibly happen as soon as Friday, so we are so excited. This has been a very stressfull process and we can't wait for it to be over so we can start moving forward, especially with this adoption. So hopefully we can get our homestudy started in May, just like I wanted, and maybe baby Maia by Christmas!?! Hopefully! I know this is wishful thinking but I have faith, and referrals seem to be coming fast. So fingers crossed!

fyi- Those pics are of 3 of the 5 baskets he received. Check out the pic with my mom and the basket she gave him, she had a hard time closing it cuz it was so full!