About Me

Texas
After years of wanting to adopt a baby girl, we've finally decided it's time. And we can't wait!

Monday, June 18, 2007

Negative

So the other pink line never showed up and my "monthly friend" did. Am I bumbed? A little. But mostly confused. I really did think and feel like I was pregnant. Danny believes I was making it all up in my head, but I really don't think I was. I wanted a baby, I wanted to adopt, I didn't want to be pregnant! So how could I be making feelings up? I was supposed to "start" a week ago, but I didn't and then I started getting cramps. I figured I would start any day, but I never did. Let me first say that I only cramp on the first day of my period. So cramping for a whole week was very strange for me, so that brought up a big red flag. I also was getting very tired and my boobs hurt more than usual and started hurting way before I actually started my period, which never happens. So having ALL these symptoms and not having a period really meant PREGNANT in my eyes! But when I took a couple of tests they all came out negative and finally after more than a week late I STARTED!

In all honesty I was sad that I wasn't pregnant because after thinking and feeling like I was pregnant and finally coming to terms and being excited about being pregnant, to find out that I wasn't or that maybe I was making up, or creating these feelings up, it was a bit disapointing. It's funny because I thought I had gotten over that urge to be pregnant again. I had a wonderful but very complicated pregnancy with Zac, so I thought I had put getting pregnant out of my head. But after realizing that being pregnant was a real possibility, it seemed like all the fear went away and all the excitement came rushing in. I was excited that I was pregnant, I was excited to have a belly, I was just so excited! So when "Aunt Flow" rained on my parade, it really sucked!!!!! And brought out alot of questions! Do I really want to be pregnant? Do I really want to be pregnant now? Should we try to get pregnant? Should I put pregnancy out of my mind and stay focused on the adoption?

I think the one thing that I realized was that I do want to be pregnant one more time. I LOVED being pregnant with Zac! I loved everything about being pregnant! But because I had complications, placenta previa, I get really scared. But after this week of thinking that I was pregnant I realized that I wasn't scared, actually I didn't really think about it too much. Just because something happens once, doesn't mean it will happen again, right?

My main question is still whether or not we should try to get pregnant first and then adopt or adopt first and then try to get pregnant? I know there isn't a right or wrong answer. But I can't help but feel like it would be better to have our bio kids first and then adopt. I know I tend to read WAY TOO MUCH into things, but I just want everything to be perfect, which I know doesn't exist.

Monday, June 11, 2007

I've been called Out!

Okay Okay, I know I've been a very bad blogger by not posting in over a month and Kristin, over at Patience is a Virtue, finally called me out! So I'm sorry and I'll never let a month go by ever again.

Things around here have been very busy with the new business. I'm so glad that the doctor transition went smoothly and that everyone has come to love Danny as their new doc. And the clinic is really doing well and keeping us busy on the the weekends with screens and expos. I get to do my work from home, which is great because I don't have to put Zac in daycare because I'm able to stay home with him. Although, he would probably love going to daycare. I'm sure he'd much rather play with kids than his mommy, but this mommy is not ready to let him go!

We sent in our adoption application last month and now we have our homestudy scheduled for later this month. This is a very big deal for us because we have waited sooo long to get to his point because we kept having to put it off till later. I'm excited and nervous all at the same time. Our case worker sent me all the information we need to get for the homestudy and the dossier and I FREAKED! OMG, it's alot of paperwork!

Now I'm really nervous because I think I may be preggers!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT(you may be saying) That's exactly what I first thought. "What, why now?" This was certainly not planned, if we indeed are pregnant, but then again neither was Zac and that turned out amazing. At first I was upset, because I didn't want to be pregnant, and if I was that would mean we would have to put off the adoption again. There's no way we can afford both, although I would do it in a heart beat if we could. Now I'm kinda getting excited if I am pregnant. I've put all my trust and faith in God, and if I'm meant to be pregnant then I'm fine with being pregnant. I do get sad thinking that I won't get Maia soon, but I know that God has a plan for us and maybe Maia isn't ready yet. I don't know I'm just, "Letting Go, Letting God" as Danny likes to say. I took a test last week knowing it would be too early, and it was negative, but I expected that. It was too early. I'm supposed to "start" any day now and I haven't but I'm going to wait it out a couple more days. I'll keep you posted!