Negative

So the other pink line never showed up and my "monthly friend" did. Am I bumbed? A little. But mostly confused. I really did think and feel like I was pregnant. Danny believes I was making it all up in my head, but I really don't think I was. I wanted a baby, I wanted to adopt, I didn't want to be pregnant! So how could I be making feelings up? I was supposed to "start" a week ago, but I didn't and then I started getting cramps. I figured I would start any day, but I never did. Let me first say that I only cramp on the first day of my period. So cramping for a whole week was very strange for me, so that brought up a big red flag. I also was getting very tired and my boobs hurt more than usual and started hurting way before I actually started my period, which never happens. So having ALL these symptoms and not having a period really meant PREGNANT in my eyes! But when I took a couple of tests they all came out negative and finally after more than a week late I STARTED!

In all honesty I was sad that I wasn't pregnant because after thinking and feeling like I was pregnant and finally coming to terms and being excited about being pregnant, to find out that I wasn't or that maybe I was making up, or creating these feelings up, it was a bit disapointing. It's funny because I thought I had gotten over that urge to be pregnant again. I had a wonderful but very complicated pregnancy with Zac, so I thought I had put getting pregnant out of my head. But after realizing that being pregnant was a real possibility, it seemed like all the fear went away and all the excitement came rushing in. I was excited that I was pregnant, I was excited to have a belly, I was just so excited! So when "Aunt Flow" rained on my parade, it really sucked!!!!! And brought out alot of questions! Do I really want to be pregnant? Do I really want to be pregnant now? Should we try to get pregnant? Should I put pregnancy out of my mind and stay focused on the adoption?

I think the one thing that I realized was that I do want to be pregnant one more time. I LOVED being pregnant with Zac! I loved everything about being pregnant! But because I had complications, placenta previa, I get really scared. But after this week of thinking that I was pregnant I realized that I wasn't scared, actually I didn't really think about it too much. Just because something happens once, doesn't mean it will happen again, right?

My main question is still whether or not we should try to get pregnant first and then adopt or adopt first and then try to get pregnant? I know there isn't a right or wrong answer. But I can't help but feel like it would be better to have our bio kids first and then adopt. I know I tend to read WAY TOO MUCH into things, but I just want everything to be perfect, which I know doesn't exist.