Why does Patience have to be SO HARD!!!

I haven't written in a while because I don't have adoption "news" like most other PAP's. Actually, I don't even know when we can start our "process" and this is very frustrating and depressing. What's making it worse is that I keep seeing more and more people inquiring about Vietnam adoptions, and although I should be happy that there is so much interest, I can't help but feel selfish. With the wait times increasing so much I feel like by the time we finally start I will be put on this huge waiting list, and we will have to wait over a year like some people. I can't imagine this. We've been wanting to adopt a baby for so long but it seems like LIFE keeps getting in the way. This week I actually started thinking about "having" a baby, thinking that might be a better "easier" way of getting a baby quickly. We aren't opposed to having another bio child, but I did have a complicated pregnancy due to having complete placenta previa, which resulted in a month of complete bed rest, severe bleeding, 3 weeks in the hospital on bed rest, more severe bleeding, emergency c-section at 34 weeks( 1 1/2 months early), and finally a premature beautiful baby boy who stayed in the NICU for 3 weeks! Oh, I forgot to mention the horrible gas pains due to the c-section and recovery! So needless to say, I'm really scared about going through this again, oh and then there's STRETCH MARKS!(Vain, I know) But, I did love being pregnant and would love having that experience again, but I just don't think that that's how our next child is going to come about. I've been praying a lot about this, asking for guidance, and today I think it finally hit me. My Maia is in Vietnam! Every time I think about our next child I have this vision of this tiny asian little girl, with a short bob haircut and big brown deep eyes. And every time I think of her my heart flutters and aches all at the same time. When I was pregnant with our son, and before I knew it was going to be a son, I kept having these dreams and visions of this little boy sleeping, and every time I would picture this little boy my heart would flutter and ache all at the same time, and that's when I realized that that was my son. And when I had my first ultrasound comfirming we were having a boy, it just confirmed to me what I had already knew because I had already had visions of him. And I finally realized that this is happening again. The reason I keep seeing this specific little girl is because THIS IS my little girl, and everyday I grow more and more attached to her and I can't let that go. Last night Danny said something that really put things into prespective for me. I was telling him that I was becoming worried because the wait times keep getting longer and longer, and he said, "No matter how long or short it takes, that's what's in God's plan for us. How can we be worried or upset about that, if that was his plan?" Now let me just say that I hate when he puts me in my place, but that is also why I love him so much! And he's right, and God is definately right so how can I be upset with that. Right this second is not the right time for us. But I do have this strong feeling and voice telling me to hold on for just a bit longer and that it's just around the corner. So here I wait, holding on PATIENTLY, trusting that God's plan is an even greater plan than I could ever imagine!